The Crack'd Teacup

[Glenn]

Petronela (Nela),

First and foremost, I want you to know that this is a letter without repercussion. That does not make it a letter without consequence, however.

No, let me begin again. I find this letter more difficult than others I have written from my vantage outside Myrken and looking back more than looking in. As I am sure you know, I was very close to your sister and somewhat so to your brother. Your mother provided me comfort and succor, often. I could elaborate, but I don't think I have to. I'm sure I play a background role in some of your memories from ten years ago and a different, though not necessarily more prominent, one when it comes to your thoughts of your sister.

Looking back, I had a role in your life as well. It was a brief spark, more so than anything else, warmth with a cost. I won't apologize for that. It helped you light a fire of your own. As terms went, mine were the best you would have ever gotten. It put you at risk, though, a different sort of risk than you'd have just for your last name and where you were born.

In truth, I only know some of what happened that summer. I do know that you were one of those afflicted by Rhaena. Moreso, other than but a few others (your sister and the Brown boy, for instance) you were given special attention. Furthermore, I know some did not recover at all. They came out of the darkness permanently changed either in small ways or in large, some large enough to be uncaring or even thankful for the changes.

Are you well? That's my first question to you. Are you well? If you do not feel yourself to be yourself, then there are those who might help you. If you feel trauma and loss from what has happened, well, my suggestion (unasked for) would be to share that with others. Many have experienced something similar. I dance around this gingerly for I do not know who you are now, for if anyone had not fully recovered, if anyone may still be changed and altered and living for her twisted ideals, it may be you. If that is the case and you are happy, do not think I will necessarily threaten your happiness with this letter alone. Without repercussion as I said. Or perhaps more of such for me than for you.

A few years before that summer, I found myself changed from trauma and youthful foolish decisions, from trying to cope with loss and through giving my heart over to first revenge and then purpose, instead of letting it just be a heart. I found myself changed in the most human and most inhuman ways. When I came to you, coin purse in hand, it had been after the change. My heart had been hollowed. I had lost myself, as you may have been lost yourself or as you may be lost now. By the time I was able to find myself once more, it was too late. I will not apologize for the coin purse, but I will for being uniquely blind to the threat that Rhaena had become. I did not protect you nor Myrken. In fact, I caused, through good intentions fueled by madness, much of what ultimately befall you and yours, albeit indirectly.

I still cannot trust myself fully, for who could after making the mistakes I did and becoming the creature that i became? I would cause your family no more harm and as such, I have not reached out to your sister either, even if she would consider such a notion ridiculous and insulting. I imagine you might understand it better than her. With this letter, I inquire of your health, of your identity and thoughts on the state of things, of your current trade, and in turn offer assistance in both emotional and practical regards. If you do not wish to respond, I understand; in that case, no further letters will come.

Glenn Burnie

[channe]

Dear Glenn,

How interesting it is to hear from you. I thought for certain you'd write my sister before you even thought of me, and I did have to think for a little while before writing you back. I would advise that if you do write her, that you be extremely careful with your words, as she is not well and has not been well since Aleksei died in Thessilane and Lessy was born.

As for me, I am still in the tea business. The original teahouse, of course, burned at the end of that summer, but after everything ended the girls still needed a place to go, so I took over a building just inside the south gate, only a block from the marketplace. It's all Myrken now, of course, mugs as well as teacups, local honey, scones and muffins from the bakery where Lucasz works. Most of the girls you knew have moved on, gotten married, started other businesses, and the like. I've kept none of the artifice. Nobody wants it, even years after that summer.

In other news, I am being courted by a young officer from the guard; he is handsome and kind, and rising in the ranks, and understands that all my assets will remain with those named Kaczmarek, despite the prevailing custom if he does ask for my hand. I'm not sure I want him to do so. I am not sure I will accept if he does. My parents have enough grandchildren, and you're right, I was affected by that summer. You can see it in my grammar, in how I dress, in how I keep my home and my business, just like you can see it in all the others who came out of the experience with their minds somewhat intact.

While your offer of help is appreciated, I'm sure you understand that Myrken has well moved on and that nobody wants you here, likes you here, or desires your return. I understand your unique situation and the loss you must feel as well, but if this letter is a prelude to your return to the area, know this: Don't. Just don't. You would have a place to stay at the teahouse if you came, and the Dagger, of course, is populated by a whole new crowd and will rent to anyone, but nobody wants the bandages that have been applied over the previous years to be ripped open and exposed to the clean air. There are many new people in town who don't know you, but there are many of us who still do, and who still remember.

I'm sorry about Rhaena. I wish we all could have saved her.

If you wish to send a letter in return, feel free. I enjoy practicing my elevated discourse.

Sincerely,
Nela Kaczmarek

[Glenn]

Petronela,

Thank you for your response. You were open and forthcoming despite how long it's been since we've seen one another which was well appreciated. I will reach out to Agnieszka, of course, but only once I find the best way to do it. I don't think a letter alone will quite suffice. As a consequence (which I did warn you of), I do think I'll continue to correspond with you when I can find the time.

I am in Rasazan, as I imagine you could reason out from the accouterments attached to my previous missive. Certain occupational avenues were blocked here by various figures such as your sister's former commander, Kostroma. This has suited me well enough, however, as I did not travel south to gain power and prestige through politics. Instead, I sought to remove my hand from Myrken's day-to-day existence (so you need not worry, not yet at least; I'll be following your kind, thoughtful suggestion and not be meddling in Your broader affairs. As I said, consequence but not repercussion).

My work consists of a mapping of sorts, much like what I did when I first arrived in Myrken. Here though, it is the mapping of Citizens, ultimately the work of drawing voting districts derived from the density of populated areas. Your imagination surely remains healthy enough to see how this wholly bureaucratic exercise could invite controversy. In this role, I had many predecessors in the recent past and all of them had two things in common: first, they were all corrupt. It is a definition of the role and almost entirely why it was given to me. Given my reputation, it was a near assurance that I would quickly make a deal for, second, they all only lasted in the position for a very short time before making such a deal to one political party or another and thus traded up to a role more prominent and potent in nature.

Unfortunately, past a hearty salary (the sort which might make your eyes bulge amusingly), I want nothing but time and unthinking purpose. These men and women of power and influence have found me to be honest to a fault; no, considering the levels of corruption here, to a sin. I have found the few attempts upon my life to be entertaining; they quite pale to what I experienced on a near daily basis in Myrken. It's all so civil here. As far as murder goes, I think you'd quite admire it.

That's a good portion of my current life, just with all the most important bits left out. I suppose that's encouragement for you to write again. Here is something more. From what you have told me, you seem a creature of contradiction. You are a young woman of constrained refinement. You have accepted the constraint around you, as a Kaczmarek might be expected to, yet in all other ways, you act like one not at all. You seek elevation but only so long as it does not provide too much contrast to your life in Myrken. You bring the culture of the teahouse down to a very traditionally Myrken level. I wonder if this is you rebelling against outside norms you don't entirely agree with, if it is the sort of pride that I once found for Myrken relative to a haughtiness of the rest of the world, or if it is simply base fear, a fear to outreach your own capabilities or your persuasive abilities to not be strung up by those around you.

I look forward to your answer,
Glenn Burnie

[channe]

Dear Glenn,

I think it's rather funny that you would tell me that you left all the important bits out, because it does actually sound like a very important job. You do know how easily you could manipulate politics in your new city? Well, of course you know -- you're in that position. I read your letter and thought about how someone smart enough could quite possibly break some of the local council deadlocks with the quiet move of a border from this estate to that. Have they tried to kill you with an almond-scented tea, yet? I'm saving that move for an extremely special occasion.

Regarding elevation and your last statement: I suppose you're right. If you are born with money and status in Myrken Wood, you're quite safe. If you're a woman and you earn it, however, may the One have mercy on your poor, sick soul for even considering that you could be more than you are. My sister rose in the the ranks and then was ousted after Karolinger lost his mind, called a whore and a slut and worse. Then she went to Razasan and rose again, only to be taken down by worm-slurs uttered by yet another man whose mind was no longer intact. And when no-one would listen to her that summer? When no-one would believe her? Agnieszka dared to be more than she was, dared to be a star in the sky rather than dirt under someone's heel, and she was ruined for it.

This is why I no longer trust men outside my own blood, why I keep around me the company of women I can trust, why I am quite suspicious of pushing myself past certain acceptable limits. My sister is a bright star but she is also a cautionary tale. I do miss the refinements of the southern-style teahouse I inherited, yes, but I will not be pilloried and I will not be destroyed and my family must be protected at all costs -- thus I must live a certain way. It is not fear, Glenn, but prudence, that keeps me where I am.

Oh, and Kostroma's an asshole. I met him once and I wanted to punch his face in. Agnie still really likes him, but I think that's just because she has to. If you get the chance, do deck the bastard.

I look forward to your next letter.

Sincerely,
Nela Kaczmarek

[Glenn]

Petronela,

Your response was swift indeed. I believe you when you say that you are starved for elevated discourse. I wonder about that. Forgive my bluntness, but I think it best for us to be direct about certain things, perhaps just one. On this very specific matter, I offer you that same luxury. You've mentioned grammar. Now, you've never had formal training, not in this, not unless you've engaged a tutor after my departure. I am aware of some of what Rhaena did, but she ambushed me before the worst of it. During that time, my natural connection to her was blunted, so that I could not stop her. She was growing in power and presence by the day, however. Did she instill directly to your mind the rules of grammar?

Let us cordon that issue off and continue. I have many nobles, bureaucrats, merchants and workers here in Razasan to speak to if I so desired. I generally don't, finding them unpleasant company most of the time and myself to unpleasant to present to the world the rest. In some cases, I find their perspective lacking, relative to my own experiences. In orders, I find myself dragged down to base ennui by those selfsame experiences. I do have others to correspond with. Let us not think either is doing a large favor for the other here. Let us instead find mutual enjoyment through these letters. I have nothing material to gain through speaking with you. Would you like to claim an ulterior motive now? At any point past this, were it to be revealed, you would come off as shamefully duplicitous, after all.

Point being, one of my other correspondents finds the political reality, the power that I may or may not to possess to be temporal and dull, finding much more interest in thoughts and feelings and preferences. I've given you none of those as of yet. You are right, however, in that I could achieve much change. Were I to do so in a major way, I'd be seen as biased, however. There are three games to be played then, the first being to affect as much change as possible in unnoticeable ways, the second to restrain myself from leaping at every meaningful cause, and the third, obviously, to decide when the benefit of making a major change would offset the cost of all future changes I might be able to make.

They have tried to kill me with tea. It was not almond scented. It's lavender I have more problem with recently anyway. You'd be surprised how many people try to poison or otherwise enchant me in any given year. Maybe you wouldn't be surprised.

Your response to my noted contradiction was heartening. It was not heartening because you described a state of the world I approve of; I thoroughly disapprove and worked to counteract it during my time in Myrken, with disastrous success and ultimate failure (one step forward, the city overthrown, and about four steps back; my apologies again). I would, perhaps, caution you against some male members of your own family, and also against certain females. While such solidarity is nice, you're better off trusting no one until they earn that trust. It was heartening, as much as anything else, because it shows me that while you have changed, you are still a Kaczmarek.

What do you do though, I wonder, in those moments where the being you have become begins to resent that very fact?

Glenn Burnie

[channe]

Dear Glenn,

I am not entirely sure what Rhaena changed, just that she did. I have always felt this way, just as I always felt the way I did before I changed. The result is me. I am both of these people. I don't try to understand it. I'm just getting on with my life. I could resent everything that's been done quite easily, but I simply can't live like that. I've seen that happen to people, and I'd like to avoid that, thank you.

Who do you mean, I wonder, when you caution me against my own family? Do you mean Dominik, perhaps? We all know very well who he is, what he does, what he has become, and he is trusted for it, rather than despite it. Do you mean Trudy? Have you ever met Trudy? No, you mean Agnieszka, of course, as you have always meant Agnieszka. She's the same as me, in a way. We're both who we were, and someone else, right at the same time. Same thing for my Pa and Ma; they might have a nice little setup right now, but inside they'll always be the people that ran from the North.

You count like that, too, you know. You may be this new, quiet person, doing your new, quiet job and sending letters to Myrken Wood, but think of the reason why you send those letters: you can't forget, you can't move on, you are both your new self and the mapmaker who came to town ten years ago. Are you the one with the ulterior motive?

Nobody ever really changes.

Why are you really in Razasan?

My best wishes,
Petronela

[Glenn]

Nela,

You choose to see yourself a certain way. You try not to understand it. Yet, you still call it living. It's not. To live blindly is not to live at all. It's simply to exist. Your family is very good at existing. You're very good at surviving. You have to be. In fact, you're the very best at it. You inspired me, each and every one of you, both to be more like you and to be anything but.

You are not your sister. I love your sister (like a sister, though maybe an adopted one, just to excuse that little bit of the tension). You, even before Rhaena, were something else. Why? Because of Cinnabar and because of myself. Ariane inspires one to move in a certain direction. Calomel and myself? Perhaps another. Agnie inspired you as well. Agnie had bold and boundless ambition, but it was blind. It was without an attempt at understanding. It was an evolved form of Dom's survival. It was the very best she could do with the opportunities she was provided and it should be lauded and admired. You had different opportunities. You are a different person. You were to be the next step, I think, though I didn't really think it then. I just saw an ambitious girl from a family I cared for, one who deserved chances because of the toils of the father and mother and the utter unfairness of Myrken.

So, that leads us here. I would like to continue to correspond with you. There are advantages to you for that. I can still increase your social circle. I can open doors for you. I can help you broaden your writing. I can prepare you for the letters that are truly important, to truly important people. I can keep you sharp (or hone you to sharpness, depending on your current level of ego).

The cost is this: I will make you challenge, resent, and question. We'll seek understanding. That's who I am and that's what I am doing in Rasazan. I am trying to understand all that happened, and even more importantly, the principles behind it all, so that I can avoid repeating my mistakes, that I can better avoid my intentions causing suffering and not salvation.

We can make it a wager, Nela. Can people change? I say they can through challenging themselves, through understanding, through facing the past and looking to the future. You say they can't. Let's joust through these letters until we work it out. What are your terms?

Glenn