Precipice

Precipice

Postby Glenn » Mon Jan 15, 2018 6:18 am

Agnie,

Were this a trial, I would have to plead. In some ways, every encounter is a trial. Judgment comes with every word we speak. Oh, we try not to judge one another. We try to be open-minded, but that verdict (or sentence depending on how deep you wish to take the metaphor) often is levied as mercy or sentiment in the end. One who does not judge another is generally lying to himself. This is not necessarily a bad thing or a good thing. It is merely human. It is normal. It is our way of categorizing and understanding one another. In general, so long as we do it with open eyes, it's fine.

So, how can I not plead? I cannot plead ignorance. Or, let us say that I cannot plead ignorance of the second-degree. I know things have not gone well. I know that life has not improved since we last spoke. I know you have it hard. I know there has been death and ostracization and hardship. You've faced this with some help from your family, I'm sure, but less than might have been expected ten years ago.

I've reached out to your sister. Why, you might ask? Part of that is because I put her into danger, to a degree. I gave her an opportunity out of regard for your family and because she showed a spark. I let her decide what to do with it. It put her in the path of Rhaena, though, I imagine she'd have been in that path already. I do not plead guilty for her, but I do plead responsible, and as such, I wanted to follow up and see if she was hale. She is not and she's stopped responding to my letters, even when I think I provided her something of an advantage to press. I think she had reason to fear what might be discovered.

For Rhaena, I plead guilty, though it is all of a second-degree as well. You know my intentions. You have leave to damn them at will.

Why have I not reached out to you, then? Because Agnie, so much as I love you, I am not responsible for you. I have more of a hand in Genevieve, for instance, or, yes, your sister. I had to find resolve to do what I could for them even before I was ready to do much for myself. I was able to give Genny some truth and your sister far less than that.

What could I give you but pain? More pain for someone who has had more than her share.

I've reached a point where I think I might be able to offer you more and this is why I send this letter now, in this moment. I've needs too, though that's hardly something I'd admit to almost anyone but you. Maybe, here, at the end of long, painful, lost years, we can help one another.

Always yours exactly and only as I ever was,
Glenn
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Re: Precipice

Postby channe » Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:14 am

Dear Glenn,

I think it is funny that youre still putting yourself on tryal because of all of this. You must be in a nice place in your life where all you have to do is write letters to people that dig up shit we don't want to think abowt anymore.

please Don't feel responsible for me, nobody has ever been responsible for me. i am the Responsible one. I was the one that dragged my Pa from the tavern when he was drinking and the one that made him stop. I am the one that made friends with Cinnabar and negoshiated the release from our indentures. I was the one that put on the Myrken uniform and nearly died a dozen times for this land against Thessilayn and I was the one that had to kill that stupid asshole Aeryn Karolinger. I loved him and I put a sword right through his belly. That’s how fucking responsible I am. And now I get to be responsible for Aniela. that means living my life in a certain Way that she doesn't have to.

the thing about Truth is that it is false. I am glad that you think you have helped Genny and I am glad you reached out to Nela (she did Appreshiate it and maybe she has not responded because she is in Orvere opening a second Teahouse on the Myrken model). She thinks she needs the Money so she can have a Society Wedding but as we know it is all bullshit.

I doan't know what you could give me. maybe it Is a matter of giving something to each other becaus holy shit Glenn we did all that bullshit together, you and me, we thought we could change things, you put me in a place to become something more and I did the same for you. Maybe you didn't write me because I'm the one that isn't going to bullshit you or be considerate of your feelings. but then again I am not responsible for You as much as you are not responsible for Me. we went into a lot of shit knowingly, with open eyes and I think it's not Good to say otherwise.

I don't know what I could give you. I doant have anything else to give. All the giving died with Aleksei. But you can write me back because I will never ever get over telling you what a stupidhead you are. You are a stupidhead.

Please write back,
Agnie River
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Re: Precipice

Postby Glenn » Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:58 am

Agnie,

I don't have a child, if that's what you mean. There's question on whether Rhaena and I could have even had a child. Humans are humans except for when they're not. It's a tough line to figure out. Scales? The power to read minds? Blowing up things, or whatever Aleksei did. I don't know. I've had all sorts of weird shit happen to me too, right? Maybe we were compatible in every way but that. You and him. Gloria and what happened there. Calomel and Cambree. I don't think Kals and Kacela have had a litter of fat wolf children, but I'm behind all around. Maybe it was me. All words, huh?

I do have responsibility here in Rasazan, but it's nothing I'm particularly tied to. You jettisoned your soul for crown and purpose. I could leave tomorrow and not look back. Where I have responsibility is figuring out where it went wrong and how to make sure it doesn't happen again. Maybe that takes sending letters and digging shit up. You always had a Myrken responsibility, surviving. It's the bare minimum and it's everything, all at once.

The thing about truth is that it's what we make of it. Either we decide what truths are important to us or someone else is going to do it. That's what I did when I stood in front of that crowd and reminded them of the truth of Agnieszka Kaczmarek. It's the last thing i did worth a damn. Maybe it meant I couldn't do anything else worth a damn as Governor, but I wasn't in any shape to anyway.

Nela's not well. She knows I know it. She also knows she could do some real damage to me if she wanted to. Unless I get further evidence, I think she's withdrawn so that she doesn't have to do so in the name of so-called self-preservation. It's a bit too squirmy to be considered a kindness.

It's interesting you say that all giving died with Aleksei. I feel like all getting died with Rhaena. Is that something to be said about them or about us.

Did you really know what ostracization meant?
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Re: Precipice

Postby channe » Tue Jan 16, 2018 3:54 am

Dear Glenn,

I suppose I thowt I knew, because we're all from Dawntless and we were used to being on the outside. but the Eyes and the Thoughts are always there and someone is always saying Something. Ostracism: even my familee is not Helping, do you know that? I mean they can, when people are not Looking, but they are Looking all the time so what I can do is sit on my hill and Stew and make clothes and bread like I am Common and I suppose that is my life now, making sure we can eat. Rite now my big challenge is trying to figure how Aniela can go to School in the town. you think this would be easier, but they are scared of her because of Me. It is terrible.

But I did not know what Purpose meant until I held Aniela, not even on the altar in the Tower did I know.

The person who has the Power sets the truth. That was you once, that was me. Now it is not. I will always remember you telling them who I am. It is the closest I have ever gotten to understanding myself. Nela is not well but she is also choosing a truth, a truth that is different than the truth i am choosing. she can Does what she likes.

What are you so afraid of that she knows?

Are you so afraid of me that you will not be Honest?

You know what you should do? You doant need to figure out what happened. You should go have a nice life in Razasan and find a nice Lady that likes you enough (what about that Eggyolk lady, she's enough of a bitch to keep you on your toes). You cant fix Myrken. Trust me I have looked in Alekseis Library and there is no Fixing things, there is just getting even. And I am so tired so that will have to wait.

I will tell you a Sekrit.

I am going to burn Thesilayn,

Please write back,
Agnie
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Re: Precipice

Postby Glenn » Tue Jan 16, 2018 4:39 am

Agnie,

My role has a salary. It's not as if I'm donating it to charity. Ah, I'm not even sure where to go with this. I won't offer you money. I also am hesitant to ask you to come here with the child, because that would tie me to things in a way I'd rather not. Gloria has a young child as well. I am in contact with her because she has come here for all sorts of reasons (if the two of you could ever get past your differences, it would be good for you to speak to one another. As your children grow, I think they will face very similar issues). She wanted her child to be close to Myrken, but not too close. Closer than here. I'm sure you want that even more for Aniela. You'd burn me first if I offered you money, though. I know that. I could see about finding a suitable tutor, but I hardly think you want that. How old is the child even? The things I do not know when I once knew everything there was to know.

I do not question your purpose. I cannot fully understand it and I find it remarkable, having some experience with rituals such as which you experienced here.

I had the Power. I set the Truth. It's all been undone. They're back to where they were before, worse off. It's more of an individual thing, I think. That's the problem with a truth that is malleable, with shaping it. It can always be shaped another way. We struggle against our own morality, our short lives, our weakness against famine, against sickness, against magic, against steel. Those are the Truths I fought against, those and our own moral and intellectual weaknesses. Against our fear. I failed. Is that a surprise? I fought against the things that have plagued humanity from its beginning. What was I supposed to do in the face of that? Save for try?

It's not what I'm afraid Nela knows. It's what I'm afraid she's been turned into. Not everyone recovered from what Rhaena did to them. There is part of Rhaena, at her worst, within her, a shadow, but then I worry that I grasp at them or swat at them. I am a poor judge in this case. I do think she needs help but she can specifically prevent me from giving it to her.

I've never been afraid of you, Agnie. Not your sword, not your fist, not your words, not your judgment. I may have been afraid of your grief and what I felt to be my inability to meet it. Even then, it was not about you but about me.

Your logic is amazing. You looked in a library. What did you look at? What did you look for? Philosophy? Magic? I came to Myrken thinking much like you do. I wanted to go home and destroy it all. I spent a year of my life thinking much like you do. I trained every day with Jirai. Jirai. I did this, bearing her wounds in the morning, having profane, dangerous restorative things done to my body every evening (and this is why Rhaena and I may not have had a child as much as anything else), all to strike back at Sarayn. I stabbed her through; it didn't matter and I lost everything I had left, myself most of all, because of it.

If you have any of that fire within yourself remaining, fire to burn anything down, use it to warm this world for Aniela's sake. Use it to light her way forward. More bloodshed won't do her a damn bit of good.

As for settling down, you know what I had with Rhaena. Purpose isn't the world for it. You know the sort of connection I had. Nothing else can compare. Nothing can come close. There isn't even a word for it. Love is a paltry, pathetic word in comparison. Whatever I need, it's not that.

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Re: Precipice

Postby channe » Tue Jan 16, 2018 5:01 am

Dear Glenn,

What the hell would I do with money? and Aniela will meet you over my Dead Body. you are far too dangerous. I can handle the Danger but she is only five years old and she Cannot.

I miss Rhaena too. Every damn day I wake up I miss her. Don't you ever think I forgot her.

And as you know I am very Choosy as to who can come to my Hill and talk to my child and to me, and I am not sure Gloureya Winsey passes that test. In my mind she still loves the monster and, do you know what, the monster is still around. He is still here! They tolerate him! They let him sit in the Inn! No. Not in a world where they tolerate Catch, I will not leave my Hill unless I leave in Glory, I will not. The less the Winsey bitch knows about me the better. She'll be better in Razasan anyway, let her child figure out what they want to do with their life, I heard that's something you can do in Razasan and that's why I went, you know, to have a choice, not that I ever had a choice, and that is why you should STAY THERE AND FORGET US.

And my sister is not evil. She is just wrong. There are differences. She Turned but when the Lady (see, the Lady, not Rhaena, I know the difference) died she took her own path. And that's on her. Not me. And what the fuck am I supposed to do if not burn? We tried to Change. There is no Change. You know that from training with Jirai! What the hell were you thinking? That she could do you better? That she wouldn't ruin you? You knew her soul! You knew her! Maybe she's what turned you. Probably. I hate her. I'll always hate her. Someday I will burn her but I think she is also Gone and Good Fucking Riddance.

I am trying to figure out where to go from here, and maybe it is marrying someone else, being someone's Wife and making Amends with the people who don't know any better. There is a Farmer who would take me and my baby and I know he is a Good Man. For now. Everyone is a good man until they aren't.

I am going to burn Thesilayn and when I am done I am going to burn Myrken Wood. Don't try to stop me.

You want it too. You want it so bad.

Please write back,
Agnie
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Re: Precipice

Postby Glenn » Tue Jan 16, 2018 5:13 am

Agnie,

I applaud how far you've come in reading and writing. I remember reading your letters to your family years back, when you were here, where I am now, in fact. You've come very far and I am proud of you as I have been, over the years, proud of you many times, as you, I think have been proud of me, for all the good it did either of us.

I value pride, even now. Pride is one thing that allows us to stand against power even when we have none (for all the good and so on; maybe just put that at the end of each of my paragraphs?).

So, because of your growth in writing, I think the odds that whatever teacher you had (which was not me really) told you to finish each and every letter with "Please write back." That's called a valediction and I know you didn't know that. Sincerely. Or whatever I gave you at the start of the first letter to help remind you that for all my real love for you I'm not actually in love with you (probably). Valediction.

You spent a whole letter saying that I'm never getting near your baby, that I can't stop you from burning Myrken, that none of it matters, that you're furious about the whole Jirai thing, which was, at this point, what? seven, eight years ago? It was getting dragged down beneath the ground that did it, by the way, and the ritual at the end, and all of this other shit that you never even knew about, but that I'd tell you, if you just asked, but when did you ask anything? When did I, I guess? We just balance one another on the heels of endless assumptions, and it worked. For a few years it worked because I was outright insane, but because I still cared and still regarded you as something and someone wonderful, because of your Myrken pride as much as anything else, but there were a lot of anything elses. Maybe it'd be different if we asked instead of told. (for)

So again, you say all that and then you ask me to please write back? Why? You're trying to drive me away and make me forget about you and yours and then ending each letter asking me not to.

What do you want, Ag'ny? If you want both, you want both, and we'll deal with that, but don't be so cute about it.

For all the good it does either of us,
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Re: Precipice

Postby channe » Tue Jan 16, 2018 5:29 am

Dear Glenn,

Aleksei taught me. He used to laugh at my Letters and so we spent a lot of Time talking about Grammar. It was Romantic shut up, ok? and because he taught me I can read his Library. And learn the Things in it.

I am sorry I never knew about you being Dragged Under. That explains a lot actually. And I suppose I am still wondering why you are writing me. You say you want to figure out what went wrong, but what do you want to do after that? Ok you figure out what went wrong but what then? Is it for your own happiness? Or are you going to do something about it? Because Glenn, this is the big issue here, if you come back and dig it up there will be Consequences, and I suppose what I am trying to do is to figure out whether I need to be prepared for Consequences. You know, screw those nobles, screw all the Razasani trash that have built their houses on Haberdasher's, screw the Governor, the collaborators, all of them. But you're making some revolutionary statements here so I need to figure out what you're planning to do. Maybe it's High Time we started being Truthful with one another. Real Truth.

Because it still exists.

You want a Valediction? Come to my Hill. See what happens. Or what can you offer me in a Letter that's worth anything?

Or fuck off, whatever, I don't give a shit,
Agnie.
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Re: Precipice

Postby Glenn » Tue Jan 16, 2018 7:43 am

Agnie,

Explain the hill thing to me. Sorry, Hill. I have a Hill. I am on top of the Hill. Come to my Hill. Is this a mountain troll thing? This is my Bridge. What? A billy goat? Not on my Bridge! Are you the Queen of the Castle? Am I a Dirty Rascal? You couldn't take Snowstill instead? It even rhymes with Hill.

Also, I'm the one making big and dangerous claims? Like that I might come back? That I might give a damn and try again? Revolutionary stuff, that. You're the one talking about burning everything down. Burning down two provinces. Killing thousands of people. Do you have any sense how you sound? You sound like someone who should not be making dark claims about other people and bandying about ridiculous valedictions. That's how you sound. Revolting.

I'm sorry about Aleksei. I'm sorry about Rhaena. I'm sorry about me, too. I'm sorry about your brain. I'm sorry about your sister's brain. I'm especially sorry about yours because you should have stopped her after I failed to stop her. What is the point of either of us if neither of us can stop her. About all I managed was giving Ariane a chance and then other people did the heavy lifting there anyway (not the least of which, Ariane). Don't even start there. I know what you're thinking. I found her, by the way. It took some doing, but I did. Yes, there's another person I reached out to before you.

Agnie, if you capitalize every word you want to make look important, none of them end up looking important.

What do you even do with your day?

Anyway, both of your kids are magic. That's why you should talk to Gloria.

I don't get happiness, Agnie. That's simply not a possibility. I had something that I can never have again and everything else pales. What I have is another chance to care, another chance to do right by things. You want to tear things down. I want to try building them up one more time. For the Anielas out there. In Rhaena's memory.

Did we ever talk about the fact I named my horse Aggie? I feel like that should have gotten more of a reaction out of you,
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Re: Precipice

Postby channe » Tue Jan 16, 2018 7:51 am

Dear Glenn,

Stop Nela from doing what, exactly? Serving tea to toffs? Marrying Captain Aranil? You seriously think that's worth your while?

Are we going to get to the point where you ask me to do something, or what? Because I have laundry to do and bread to make and sewing to accomplish and at some point I have to fix my hood so I can get into town and pick up some winter squash.

This is a valediction,
Oh look at me, I am so educated,
Agnie.
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Re: Precipice

Postby Glenn » Tue Jan 16, 2018 7:58 am

Agnie,

I love the idea that that you're just sitting there waiting for a few days until my letters arrive. Granted, even with your improvement, it might take you a few days to actually get letters written back. That is true.

Not stop Nela. Nela does not have evil plans. Asinine plans, maybe, plans that would not have been her own if she was the person she was a few years ago, a person of her own choosing, but not evil ones. I meant how we were supposed to stop "The Lady" as you put it. I was in a labyrinth of my own making (which is not metaphor). You were a toff (a terrifying image of which I am partially glad I never had to see).

You tell me. I started by saying that we might be able to help one another. You've responded back with threats, recriminations, outright insults, some hope for me to find happiness so long as I stay away, and repeated pleading to write you again.

Why would you want me to write you again if I was that horrible and this was such a waste of time?

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Re: Precipice

Postby channe » Tue Jan 16, 2018 8:11 am

Glenn,

You are the only person alive who understands who I am. And it has obviously been a long time since you were responsible for a household. It is winter, here, and there is wood to gather, clothes to mend, shoes to mend, soup to make, a ceiling to fix, Aniela's socks to darn, all of the things that make a life that I thought I could once get away from. I know you want to think that I am sitting here Waiting for your letters with Baited breath but really after I finish here I am making bread for the Geissler family what lost their house last week so there is plenty to do. Nela has a warm house and lots of attention and happiness so who am I to change that?

I simply doant know what help you could give me if you doant want to send money. Aniela is in need of Housing and Clothing and Food as am I. You are not horrible, I simply cant have you in my life if you are going to just write me to feel better and then move on once that is accomplished. And I cant think of a Single Thing I can give you besides the thing you would never ask for because we love each other but we are not in love. I told you. I have nothing else but hate and fire.

Agnie.
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Re: Precipice

Postby Glenn » Tue Jan 16, 2018 8:18 am

Agnie,

Do you need money? I can send money. (Restraint is not making a line here about what you'd do to me on your Hill with fire if I sent you money). Not enough that I'm going to be bound here, but some.

Sometimes I think you're the only one who knows me too. I talk to someone now about deep things, the deepest, but she can never see the start of it all. She can never understand where it went wrong and how. She only sees the last page. You can't understand a story just by seeing the ending. With you, I tell you a bit, a piece you were missing, a missing page, and it all just makes sense to you. It fits right in. I talk to someone from ten years ago and she can only see the me who I was then, before it all turned.

I understand it with you, too. I've gone searching here for things I should not search for, just to understand you better. Yet, I wouldn't even write you a letter to figure out how old your daughter is and your first real mention of her to me is how I'll never meet her.

In the end though, do we understand each other so well that we hate one another and ourselves as well?

Do you see why I wrote Nela first? "The Lady's" shadow is lodged like a dagger into my heart when I hear from her, and well she knows it, but with you, it's all blinding light.

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Re: Precipice

Postby channe » Thu Jan 18, 2018 5:43 pm

Glenn,

I doant hate you. Okay, maybe I do. But I hate myself more than a little too. I doant have love for anybody but Aniela sometimes. But you were there at the Start of it all, when you made maps and I had a little kitchen knife, and remember that knife, I was so proud of it? You talk about "when it all turned" and thats really the secret to everything. Knowing all of it, the whole story. and we do. i know who you are and why and you know me. I want to think you doant hate me but I know better than that. I am very hateable apparently. But we know the whole story for each other and that is why we cannot be anything less or more than what we are. We hate things that are close to us and love the far away. If you were here you would punch me in the face.

And maybe partways why you are having bad times understanding what went on with the Lady is that sometimes therse nothing to understand. Babeys die because it gets too cold and their lungs get stuffed up and theres no evil in that it is just the way things are. War happens and soldiers die. People make the decisions they need to make with the information they have. It is the world. I know you say you want to make the world warm for Aniela and for others but sometimes things aren't warm, theyre cold and you just have to survive. Maybe youre right, we can't save Myrken but we can save her and maybe ourselves.

Please tell me you havent been to the Tower or talked to Kostroma again, really you should just put that behind you. I am actually Afraid of what you might get involved with yes?

So tell me what you want to do now that you have been Thinking about all of this. Because you finally wrote me which means you want to talk Truth.

So talk Truth I am ready to listen.

Agnie.
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Re: Precipice

Postby Glenn » Fri Jan 19, 2018 4:06 am

Agnie,

There's a fine line between love and hate. It's a cliche but it's true. They're both strong emotions. I think there has to be some familiarity in there. Maybe you need to hate the person and not just the idea of them. Or you need to hate who they are and not just what. I have some whats that I hate. It's not quite the same. Generally, when it's a what I hate, I pity the who. I pity the circumstance that created them, some broken society, some twisted magic, some dark choice that seemed like the only choice at the time. I don't pity you. I'm not a fool (but do you need money?). I'm not cruel. Pitying you would be cruel. If not for pride, a baby, and a sword, what do you have, right? I'll leave you pride. I always have.

Things blur. They do. The kitchen knife was before me, though. Not long before me, but before me. I arrived with questions and answers and thinking I could make a difference and you'd been there. You just left there. You just left it behind, you and your kitchen knife. I represented a lot that you had just left and a lot that you never agreed with in the first place, the person coming in from the outside with book learning and no experience living in Myrken thinking he could make a difference when none of you barely could in the first place and you just got to a point where you finally could. In your eyes, I didn't earn it. In your eyes, I was back where you'd been. Gloria followed us by a few years and it's was like oil and water because of it. We'd already been there. We didn't have the patience for someone just getting there. But I had seen things and I wanted to fight back too. You drove me past my limits, Agnie, because I had to prove you wrong. I was so young and you were so young too.

But you're wrong. You'll die burning other people out of spite and to fill the hole in your heart with fire. I'll die pushing back against "just the way things are." I am dangerous, Agnieszka Kaczmarek. I am. I'm dangerous because I don't just accept it. We've mastered fire. We've mastered weaving. We've learned so much about medicine and magic and everything else. why does it have to be that way? Why do we let it be that way? Why don't we work together, organize everything we know, and make something better.

The story of Myrken is one of survival. And that's inspiring and bold and brave, but the story of Myrken is only of survival. It's not of anything else, and that's no life at all. You live but just to spite death. You live but just to spite what would kill you. You don't live at all. You just survive. That's Myrken. I thought that maybe Aniela's generation, maybe the next one, I could get them there, give them what we never got to have. I was wrong. The Lady tried to cheat. She tried to speed it up by taking away people's freedom, but then you lose the point and the purpose of it all. It becomes just a different sort of not-living, just going through the motions. Everything gets hollowed out.

But how do you convince these people not to be who and what they've always been, how do you convince them that there's more to life? How can I convince you that, Agnie? That there's more than just snogging and eating and not dying?

We can't save ourselves. We can't. There are things. I will look for them. I will understand them. You could tie me to a chair in a room and I'd give myself a bloody splinter and write you a treatise with my blood. You could make me a fish in a bowl and I'd learn to fly. Eventually, I'd run out of blood. Eventually I'd need to breathe, but there's no stopping me without killing me, Agnie. I don't think I can stop you either. But we can focus it. We can make things better for her. Maybe we can make things better for everyone, if we just have enough time. Burning things down doesn't make anything better for anyone though. Building something up instead, though?

Ariane sometimes talked about tempering. Like a sword.This is what I've been hammered into. I'm still me, but this is all that's left.

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