Henceforth

Re: Henceforth

Postby Glenn » Tue Sep 03, 2019 12:48 am

I stare at a blank page, albeit not for long, and I wonder how to begin. You stuck my name, in between commas such as these, in the very first line. Your full name is a bit of a chore. Does the a come before the u? Is there an o in there, past the initial one, which seems to come and go. Your mother is not your mother. Your father is not your father. Who named you? Of course, your name is not your name, merely a level, a symbol, a representation of something larger and grander. It is a path to a center. No, let us not delve too deeply into that metaphor.

Simply put, if I am arguing in front of the current High Queen, things have gone horribly wrong and all plans have failed. Of course this is something to avoid. I have a certain amount of faith in my own abilities, in my own sophistry, even in my nuance, but ultimately, I am myself, and I am far less inclined towards and capable of showing restraint than I was even a year ago. If you go back a few years ago, I was just as bad if not worse, to temporal powers far greater than I. There was a cost. As you say, you give me no choice. This is likely wise, because you know what I might choose in many situations. Were I to be able to choose otherwise, I would be of less use to both of us. My blade would be duller, my drive far less pure. I am quite good at finding choices when none are supposed to exist, however. So long as you are honest and open with me, I will be honest and open with you. I was in my previous two letters, was I not? Even at some cost and hurt to all involved. Think on that.

Our people do not do well. They only think they do, often because they cannot face a truth so horrible. I see your game, however. There's no benefit in making them see the truth and then offering this as a solution. Whatever we have to offer at first, it is not enough to counteract the harsh truth of existence. So we construct a lesser problem, for which our solution shall be more than enough.

Am I to dissuade you from taking the throne? Am I to encourage you? I barely know how to properly touch those paragraphs. I think you have the makings of a great queen in you, if not today then tomorrow. I think whatever greatness the current queen might have had in her yesterday, it has withered with madness and paranoia, at least from what you tell me and from her self-destructive aims for my people and yours. As for leading her here, well, that is a risk, but Myrken has seen her kind before. Likely, we will again, even with no action. This is a chance for benefit, at least. I think it worth the risk.

First, there is the matter of Catch.

Having so burned the bridge with Gloria Wynsee, you ingratiate yourself with those others in my life? There's something to ponder there.

I would learn your laws so that I might better break them.

I will show you what I love about Myrken, though I think in the end, what you will see is but a reflection of what I love about myself. If I am wrong, we will discover that together, but I tell it to you now so that you cannot hold it over my head as a great revelation later.
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Re: Henceforth

Postby Niabh » Wed Sep 04, 2019 12:40 pm

My shunna,

Is this what you do when given pause? Pick another point and take it to pieces as distraction? It bothers me a little to have you pick a name, for reasons you well know, but the truth is simply that our language has sounds that yours does not. Betimes I know not how words in one should be spelled in the other.

You yourself had less a mother and a father than I did, and yet you have a name. Names will find you no matter what the circumstance. Now let us be done with this.

Remember how I told you once the difference between honesty and truth? Honesty is harder, particularly for you, I think, for you are more used to mere truthfulness. I appreciate it when you try. I in turn try my best to repay your honesty with mine own. But the trouble with honesty, with trust, with a great many things—that betimes we must be the first to offer them in order to receive them. In the valley between lies vulnerability, which I know you hate, so I do my best to take the first step, to meet you halfway (remember when we used to talk about bridges all the time?). This puts me at the disadvantage, which has never struck me as quite fair, even though the choice was mine. But it is not easy for me either.

If you are to be any part of this, and I cannot foresee a future where you would not, I must know with what I deal. You are far too persistent to have you oppose me at a delicate moment, so I would prefer to work with you. I believe that at their core, our aims are similar enough that we can find a common field. The trouble is that none of that has anything to do with lies between us.

As for Myrken, you understand the matter exactly, save that by the time any plan moves forward, I do not want it to be a game. I foresee a time when all truths will out, all glams dissolve, and there will be an accounting. When that day comes, the good done must be strong enough to stand on its own merits. The other choice is that it never be revealed. The third choice is to make the lesser problem real and come off looking like visionaries by solving it. I can manage any but would prefer the first.

Myrken may have seen the High Queen’s kind before, but I assure you, she does not improve with familiarity. It is no great flattery to be thought a better queen than she. You could pluck a beggar from the gutter and so long as her heart were disposed toward justice, or lawfulness, or peace, or anything other than grasping and scheming to retain her own power, she might do as well. My sole advantage is that I have blood and lineage and force of arms to back my claim. All the rest must be cultivated.

I am something of a coward. Much as I long to be home, betimes I fear it just as much. I am afraid of what must be done. There is no comfort anywhere for one who fears going home, for where else is there to go? You would know the answer to that, I think, perhaps better than anyone. I have often thought that I could live without ever being queen, so long as I could still live. But I have never had any choice in that. The circumstances of my birth mean that it is both or neither. Therefore will I be queen.

I know not what to do about Him, nor even yet if there is anything to be done at all.

Gloria is the worst sort of wickedness, and was so well before ever our two paths crossed. If another such as she lies within your coterie, then perhaps I would be doing you a service by befriending and eliminating them one by one. Or perhaps you had better consider what company you keep.

If need be, we will teach you law. Fortunate you are that it was the one subject I was ever very good at, other than archery. We will teach you that, too.

It is very cruel to hold what a man loves over his head. I will do my best not to.

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Re: Henceforth

Postby Glenn » Thu Sep 12, 2019 1:22 am

Fionn,

I hardly think that's accurate. If I was given pause and used that as a distraction, I still gave you many words and many thoughts wholly unrelated. In truth, it is because the world is fluid for you and static for myself. We've been around this circle but perhaps not on this exact topic. I classify to try to maintain control and power in a world where I am prey instead of hunter. You, by your nature, defy such things, even as a social convention, let alone more primal things. And so on and so forth. I shall avoid mentioning it further in the context of names out of regard for your delicate royal constitution.

Truthfulness and honesty. Your people generally speak truth, but a dangerous truth that can be misinterpreted. So say all the stories. There is no lie more dangerous than the truth that we want to hear above all else and all of that. No, you know exactly what to worry about when it comes to me. Every one of my strengths is a potential weakness as well. My eyes are open to our mortality, our frailty, our tenuous grasp on history and meaning. I do not believe in some cosmic purpose but I refuse to settle on accepting survival as a meaningful end unto itself. Had I less pride, less need to hold on to some sense of identity that in some ways matters in the face of this world, maybe I could believe in a higher order or that life for the sake of life is valuable or that it is fine for us to all simply be intelligent beasts. Ten years ago, I could at least feign that humility better. Now I might tempt oblivion instead. My eyes are open at least and my words are truthful. Here, too, I think they were honest.

We are in agreement when it comes to that judgment. I think of my people as you do yours. I will not betray my people with a false promise, only with a true promise that they may not fully understand. There must be value. The situation must improve. Here is a truthful statement: I wish that for both of our people. I will be unsatisfied if my people are made better by this exchange and yours are not. Of course, my satisfaction is not paramount in this endeavor. Maybe, however, that matters something to you though.

Catch, then. When I arrive, we will lay all cards on the table. Everything I know. Everything you know. I will explain, again, what I have tried, and you will discuss what is within your power. We will decide upon a plan of action and then ensure that we follow it despite your feelings or weaknesses or mine. Some things should not be spelled out in letters, I think.

Gloria is not the worst kind of wickedness. She has been shaped like any of us, by a repressive youth not of her choosing, by desperate decisions driven by that lack of choice, by facing the consequences which compounded the difficulties, and then by Myrken which provides all of the kindling to turn her spark into an inferno. Her scars and burns do not make her wicked. They do not make her blameless either. You thought me wicked with my first letter. You may think me that still, but you understand it now and thus we move forward hand in hand and heart warm to heart. How much do you truly know of her?

I remain curious who you intend for me to shoot with an arrow. I would be offended if, after all of this, you end up valuing me more for my ability to brandish iron than my wit, brilliance, or inspiration.

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Re: Henceforth

Postby Niabh » Mon Sep 16, 2019 7:55 am

My shunna,

I resist mentioning certain delicate topics—such as, apparently, the color of your walls—because I fear they will cause you pain. Would that you might consider that. Perhaps we should both relax these rules and see what happens. The Dagger’s porch looks a little dull this season.

You believe in no cosmic purpose, you do not believe in mere survival, you certainly do not live for hedonism. What else then is there? What is it you possibly seek? I asked you something like this before and I cannot remember if you answered, so likely you did not. Something new and unheard of, something of your own style and invention, that will suit your standards, but I begin to believe you set your standards so far beyond anything ordinary solely so that they will never be met, that you yourself will continue to have a reason to exist. Purpose and more purpose, ever more ways to keep your mind occupied. You have a story here about a cobbler so busy making shoes for all the town that he never noticed his own were full of holes; that is what you remind me of. So long as you bend your back to solving the problems of others, you need never think about your own lackings. Betimes I wonder, my shunna, what it is that your mind keeps so busy for, what it is you try so hard not to think about.

See now, this is the aggravation of having friends; we wonder about such things.

I try to see the honesty in your truthfulness—I, who above all others here should know that trick too well—but you are usually so very bad at it that betimes you seem a little silly. Were you not trying to embroil so many others in your scheming, I would say you entirely silly, but now that my own folks are involved, I cannot dismiss it so easily. We deal with people, Glenn. Keep that ever before your eyes. They value their lives for what they are, because it is all they have. Do not seek to change, only to increase. Any plan of yours, or ours, that makes them fear to lose what they have will be rejected out of hand, and violently. If it is your pride that keeps you from understanding that, perhaps it is your pride that is in the wrong, not the things themselves.

I wish I could say that a fair bargain matters as much to me as it does to you, but I cannot. I can say that I hope our gain will not come at the expense of your people, but you know as well as I that is not the same. The situation is much different. My own people come first, always. In its way that is as hard a thing to admit as it would be for you to give up your pride and risk making yourself vulnerable—hard enough to admit, and even harder to practice. There are so many things I want for myself. The hardest thing I ever learned about being queen is that if I have while someone else does without, then I am not queen.

I am striking that last part out, even though I know you can still see it, but know I did not quite say what I mean.

No sooner did I pause in writing but my father’s raven came with a letter comparing you to a dead dog. This is what he says: Even a flea abandons a dead dog’s back to find a live one, and he cannot believe that one of the Niall’s blood has less sense than a flea. What he means by this is that you have no power here and I should forsake you and find someone better positioned (he is still suggesting your king for this). I have been placating him with the notion that this concept is so new and novel, and your people more suspicious and recalcitrant than ours (which might not be true), so it were best we begin with small steps. To this he says that I am a Niall and that Nialls need not tiptoe.

Finally, he says that he will introduce the proposal to another queen. She is not a very great queen, but she is the very one I would test first to see how the others might react, without no fear it might go further than her. This makes me more anxious and excited than all the rest, in part because with her there will be a true sense of how all this may be received.

Overall, the very fact that he cares enough to be critical, and that he is already imagining what he would do in my stead, shows that he does not stand in the way of the basic premise. I have told you that with him there is no middle ground—either he takes a thing seriously enough to be interested, or takes it seriously enough to deem a threat, and so destroys it, or else it does not exist (and of course if he destroys it then it does not exist). It is always better to have him inside pissing out than outside pissing in. I am optimistic, but with reservations.

A warning: my father believes you are three different people, only one of whom I have met in the flesh, and none with whom I play anything other than politics. I would prefer he go on thinking this.

Now I feel I must apologize for this messy letter. I was not expecting him to write back so soon, and if I waited until you arrived to tell you, I think I would burst. Politics has a terrible tendency to intrude upon everything else. I am in such a muddle. I worry for you, for myself, for this engagement we are planning, for whatever is going at home, for the future. Betimes I wish I had your confidence, even when you are being a silly arse. Times too when I wish you were near enough to slap. It is not the slapping I wish for so much as the nearness. I miss looking you in the eye while we squabble.

When you come we will discuss Himself first, then Gloria a long, long ways after.

I think everyone should know how to shoot. Consider it one more accomplishment to add to your list.

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Re: Henceforth

Postby Glenn » Tue Sep 17, 2019 2:11 am

Fionn,

I do not wish to engage you word for word here as there are things I would like to prioritize. If I do not, however, you will see me as evasive once again.

You challenged me with that paragraph. You are aggravated. You wonder. You, I am sure, worry.

My shoes are fine. Other parts of my inner self are cobbled together, but this is from loss and failure and fell mysticism and prices paid and revenge over time and sorrow and the wear of the road. If I believe in nothing else, I believe in progress, or at least the possibility of such, the value of such. We can constantly strive to learn more, to build more, to create more. That does not mean that there is not a cost to these things, and it is best to pay it carefully over time to ensure some sort of balance. You are close in what you write, but not close enough, Finn. To reach my destination might bring peace or serenity, but it would mean an end to the journey. It would mean surrender. There is always something else to discover. There is always another horizon. There is a distinct journey towards something and what is learned upon the way. Each new point reached is another accomplishment: you used it for arrows and quivers so let us look at that word more closely. It is not some base and imaginary accolade. It is something that is accomplished. Something tangible. You must know it by now. I represent all of that incessant, intolerable expansion of humanity that you so loathe. Think of how pleased your father would be that you've harnessed that wretched force to the wheel of your own plans and plot. Moreover, it's smiling at you fondly as you do it. That I find this endeavor more enjoyable than breeding is my own failing, I'm sure?

Yes, people. Incremental, meaningful gains that will better people's lives. It's fine. Keep reminding me of that. I do need to hear it from time to time. It is hard not to see numbers and trends of history, even after everything. It is hard to connect once more after what I have lost. I understand this failing and try to surround myself with those who will counterbalance it.

We will deal with your strike out at the end. Know that my desire for fairness is very practical. If this balance is broken on either end, there becomes reliance and obligation. Isn't this the basis of your entire society? I would not have Myrken dependent to your people. You would not have your people dependent to us, no? We can do this correctly. One last time: you had my name. I had yours. Neither experience was pleasant for either of us. Let us not repeat it on a grander scale.

Ah, here we have come to the part I wished to begin with.

I need you to understand this, Finn, for it is important. There is a limit to my role in this. I am a male. I am not a king. You don't want a king of course, because it would mean that you are less needed and the deal would be less fair; this is not a military alliance you seek, remember? I am not even a governor, however. I will never have an audience with your queen, unless that queen is you. I am helping you draft the basic ideas of this, of locating the goods on both sides that would be useful, of making certain introductions for you where they would be helpful and advising you on others. I will have a hand in finding the woman who is appropriate to carry things forward. As barriers arise, I will help you come up with ways to work past them. I will potentially help you communicate with my people as a whole. At some point, you will no longer need me for this. I understand that. I accept it. At that point, I will either begin to capitalize on the gains for my own purposes or, far more likely, work with you on other projects that stem from this, or will happily assist you with certain things that you might want to achieve.

If you slap me, I will slap you back. I can aim high. You should know that by now.

Well then, the part I left off. You scratched out two sentences as you did not quite say what you meant. I believe that for the second sentence. I do not believe it for the first.

What are those so many things that you want for yourself? If you can tell anyone, you can tell me.

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