by Hope » Sat Sep 16, 2006 3:17 am
A broken heart. This is what I have right now. The past couple of nights have been spent quite literally in tears. I have been at a lack for words but I think I have finally found them and I think that it is time that I speak where everyone may witness my feelings on this matter.
As I have already told some of you, I feel guilty about this entire matter as I was the original kline. I still believe that the punishment did not fit the crime. Nor do I believe that the punishment fit the crime for the two wonderful friends who had the courage to stand up for me and thus becoming klined themselves. No, Angie, I have not forgotten either how you in your very angelic way stepped in as a voice when those of us had none.
Despite this, I feel that a lot of reason and logic has been lost in a mass generalization. I will not point fingers. I refuse to point fingers. I see no right side and no wrong side, just a lot of very upset, hurt, and confused individuals that are at a loss as to what they should do and what should be expected of others.
I see this and I cry. I cry because I love you all. Even those that I have been at odds with in the past ... and I do know that not everyone has seen eye to eye with me in the past. The world continues to turn though, the sun to rise, and the rain to fall ... and my love to still grow for all of the wonderful players that I have been given the chance to know. No. Not players. Just people. Individuals who are all wonderful and brilliant in their own ways. I would like to think that many share this feeling with me.
Even as I write this now I am crying, and at work no less.
I grew up within a broken family, something that only a small number of you know. That is why family means so much to me, why family is more than just blood ties. That is why it hurts so much to see this happen to our family because that is what you have all become to me. Family.
I know that some of you are already likely scanning this, seeing it as pointless rambling perhaps but I wanted to say -everything- that has been upon my very heavy heart as of late. So please. Bear with me. Please, read all of these words because I am praying that something strikes a cord within each and every heart that belongs to the eyes that pass over these words.
Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind -or forgotten. This has been my mantra through all of this. Corny as it may seem coming from a Disney movie but it fits this situation. This, by the way, is a movie I have been watching a lot of as of late as it is what I watch when I am depressed. This situation has -greatly- depressed me in such a way that I am amazed.
I am not the only one that has been preaching of family through this but I am afraid that I will have to point out one horrible truth. We have not been acting like a family these past few days. Can we honestly call ourselves a family if we allow something like this to tear us apart? This is the time when we need to stand stronger together, talk and work out our problems.
No. We need to do more than just talk, we need to listen. I feel that this is the problem right now. Everyone wants to be heard and it is within everyones right to have a voice but so many are screaming over everyone else that we have forgotten to listen or simply can not over the sheer volume of voices in their outrage.
We need to listen. We need to sit down as a family and talk. Calmly. Without insult. Without pointing fingers. Without accusing. This is what needs to happen in order to compromise, to find a solution that would make everyone happy. Call me an optimist but I still think that this is possible but only if we -listen- and if we are willing to bend. To give and take equally.
There is so much anger right now. So much that I can barely stay within any of the bd channels, starchat and darkmyst alike.
That is why I am in the gray right now. That is why I refuse to pick a side of this argument. I can not pick a side because there is simply too much divided loyalties with friends on one side and friends on the other. I can see and understand where everyone is coming from. There is just this -huge- massive gap of miscommunication or complete lack there of.
I hate having two server windows open. I hate the idea that half of my characters would end up on one server and half on the other just so that I may keep playing with those that they are so firmly tied to, to play and laugh and have fun with my friends.
I don't want to leave the Broken Dagger but I don't want to divide myself between two servers. I don't want to be on one and not the other. A server is just a location, just like a house is .. simply a building. Walls do not make a home, just as a server does not. It is the people within the building, upon the server, within the channel that makes it home. I have come to the point where I simply do not care what server I play upon just as long as I have -all- of my friends there.
I can not be a part of another broken home. My heart simply will not survive it. This is not so far gone that it can not be fixed. Let us fix this TOGETHER. Let us sit down and talk, discuss, listen .. and love one another like family should. No more finger pointing, no more blame. A compromise can be found but we must all be willing to give and not just take.
Please. I am -begging-. Is this really worth placing so many friendships in jeopardy?
I love you all, even despite how all of this is breaking my heart.
Failure lies not in falling down, but in not getting up.